It’s Saturday November 16, 2019. I’m in my living room, cuddled under a warm blanket that my sister gave me, watching my alma matter battling it out on national tv against one of its bitter rivals. I see the score, I know who is winning but I’m not really paying attention. My couch is L shaped and I am sitting on the short side of the L. On the long part of the L is two tv remotes (1 for my cable box, 1 for my actual tv), my cell phone, some medicine, a knock off yeti cup, a flash light, warm pajamas I get too cold wearing a tank top and shorts, and my big beautiful orange cat. I have placed nearly everything I can think of that I might need tonight on this couch, after all its cold and I really don’t want to leave the warmth and comfort of my favorite blanket unless I have too. To my right I can see the lights of my Christmas tree. Yes, it is up before thanksgiving. In fact I put it up before Halloween. When people find out that my tree is already up, they tell me it’s too early, that I should enjoy the fall and thanksgiving and that its too early to have my Christmas decorations up. I joke and say if Walmart can have their Christmas stuff on display then I can too. The truth is, I love Christmas lights, I love all the penguin ornaments I have received over the years, I love my penguin stocking, my penguin stocking holder but most of all I love my tree topper. It’s a silver star that lights up light a disco ball and it casts a beautiful light onto my ceiling. My Christmas decorations make me smile, they make me happy and I deserve to be happy. Happiness is difficult for me. I am 35 years old. I have never been married nor do I have any children however I do have two loving cats whose personalities could not be any more different. have a Master’s degree from a very well known university. I have a job that although it is stressful, I happen to be very good at. I live in a decent apartment and the only debt I have is student loan debt. On paper, my life is good. On paper I should be grateful that I don’t have to worry about where my next meal will come from, or that my car will break down (its still under warranty with fairly low miles), or worry if I will be warm this winter. See I don’t have to worry about any of those things yet so many people do. I see so many people that have way less than I do yet are way happier than I am. I feel guilty about that, I really do. I go to work every morning and pray that the mask I am wearing will not fail me. I pray others will not see how broken I truly am. I do a pretty good job at masking my pain but every so often, my mask falls off for a brief moment and someone will say “smile” as they walk past me. I want to scream at them “don’t you think I want to smile” but instead I panic go back to my office and stay there as long as I can, not interacting with anyone. Eventually, I have to leave my safe haven, so to make sure no one else tells me to “smile” I paint a smile on my mask, secure it tightly to my face and act as if I am completely happy and loving life. The day ends, I get home, turn on the tv to stifle the silence, collapse on my couch and chastise myself for letting my mask fall off during the day while vowing to not let it happen again. I cry myself to sleep then get up and do it all again the next day. Welcome to the life of someone who lives with major depressive disorder along with severe anxiety. I am one of the 43.8 million adults who live every day with a mental illness. Very few people are willing to talk about their mental illness as they are afraid of the stigma that surrounds depression, anxiety, bi-polar disorder, schizophrenia, etc. The best way to end the stigma is to not only educate people about mental illness but to also openly talk about it so that those suffering do not feel completely alone. The Persistent Penguin hopes that sharing her daily struggle with depression and anxiety will encourage people who are suffering with mental illness to seek treatment and to know that they are not alone even though it may feel like it.

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